Sometimes Here Sometimes There

Note to Self; I am NOT a Failure!

There seems to be quite a few moms out there making it big with their own creative businesses. This tends to give me false hope. It's very easy to instantly compare oneself to someone else because you may have something in common with them. Completely ignoring the fact that your situation differs in a million other ways. When I see these other women succeeding in the way I want to succeed I immediately think I can do that too only to become flustered when I can't make it happen overnight. I am not a failure just because I have to take things slowly. I have to constantly remind myself of that one, CONSTANTLY! Most of these stay at home mums are not completely alone. They may have a paid babysitter, a helpful relative to take the kids when need be, or maybe daycare, preschool or some other program that gives them some alone time to work on their craft. I dont have those options. Right now, at least until my little ones are of school age I am a full time 24 hours a day 7 days a week mum. That doesn't mean I have to quit trying to succeed in my artistic endeavors though. It just means that my artistic endeavors will take more time than they may someone with more resources available to them. I am coming to terms with this. I am starting to relax! Starting to give myself a break. Life is too short to spend it disliking oneself and feeling like a failure. I am NOT a failure!

To Do Lists

I have come to the conclusion that Mother Nature never intended me to get very far in life just using my brain. Apparently to do lists are necessary to keep me from losing myself in the endless tasks each day presents me with. For the past couple of weeks I have been slowly becoming more and more irritable. At first I blamed the weather which has been more than a little unaccommodating to my preferred state of bliss. But then, three days ago I realized that it was not the weather that had me so frazzled but rather the fact that I was feeling very unaccomplished in my role as mother, housekeeper and wife. You see, I am the mother of a VERY fussy little girl and I am incapable of going about the things I need to do while a baby is crying. I feel like such a villain when I make her wait for me to pick her up while I finish a chore. Her huge eyes well up as soon as I put her down and within seconds it seems her eyes and face are red and puffy, nose running, her little shirt soaked with tears. It's not that she is hungry or that she needs her diaper changed, it's that she is only truly happy when she is in my arms. This is such a lovely thing, to be loved SO much. But the downfall is that I in turn get nothing done. When I do get a few minutes here or there where I could get something done I tend to spend that time sitting down and trying to decide what I should do and by the time I have started a task Elsa is again upset and needing more time with her mum. So those three days ago I decided that some organization was in order. I have taken it upon myself to sit down every morning and write up a list of all of the things I would like to get done that day. Household chores, uninterrupted playtime with the kids, and anything else that needs doing. Each time I finish something on the list it gets crossed off. I don't necessarily do the listed chores in order but my goal each day is to get each thing done. If I fail to finish everything then the unfinished tasks make their way to the next day's list. Amazingly, the lists are working! I feel a little less stressed out and irritable. My housework is getting done, my laundry is actually folded! Folded laundry is SUCH a luxury! And I'm enjoying the challenge of trying to finish each day's list. I love a good challenge! To do lists have saved my sanity :)

No Big Deal

Yes, you were all right, I was fine.  Why I let my anxiety get the better of me I'll never know. So last night I went to the open studio night at the gallery down the street and despite being terrified that I'd either make a fool of myself or be shunned I survived well enough that I have plans to go again next week.  There were five people there this time and while two were very quiet the other three were open enough to make me feel totally relaxed! It was nice to be able to get some painting done for three whole hours without a baby vomiting on me or a four year old proudly telling me every five minutes that he yet again went pee. I walked to the gallery and on the way there I stopped at Starbucks and picked up a Passion Tea Lemonade and later walked home all by my lonesome. For the first time in a long time I felt like a real person and not just an eccentric stay-at-home mum/artist shut-in.  And when I got home Liam greeted me with a hug, a smile and an immediate demand for a sandwich (cute little bugger!) and I missed my littlest hobbit so very much because she was fast asleep in her crib and I didn't have the heart to wake her just so I could see that sweet smile of her's.  Here's to bravery! It really is worth it to just take a chance sometime!

Above image was taken by myself in Nova Scotia.

Scared to the Point of Feeling ill!

 
 Okay, so I am feeling really lousy right now! I am seriously considering going to the Confederation Centre Art Gallery's Open Studio Night tomorrow. I think it is a good way to learn more about being an artist in this city and to meet new people. Why am I feeling so off? Because I have very close to zero confidence and I'm about as good with people as a dead fish. I think people like me well enough (I think) but I tend to feel very awkward and I usually either completely clam up and say very little making myself seem snobbish and hard to approach or I talk TOO much and that makes me worry that people may find me annoying.  Why couldn't I have been born one of those super social people that everyone gravitates towards?! And to make matters worse I also suffer from agoraphobia, a problem I deal with every day. But usually I can just cart a kid or two or even a husband along with me and that helps enormously. But if I do indeed go tomorrow night I'll be flying solo and that will be rough! This open studio thing is just that, a studio in the gallery where artists can go and work on their artwork around other like minded people. It's completely free and they provide easels.  Sounds cool huh? I think so, but I have to get past my 'issues' to actually manage it and wow is that hard! Seriously, I'm sick to my stomach right now! And then there are my silly and rather ridiculous fears! What if everyone there is really professional to the point of using all those fancy expensive art supplies that I "wish" I had? My brushes are the very cheapest. I think I paid something like $3 for a set of them at Walmart! YES WALMART! They are crap but they work and I don't have to feel bad about abusing them. And then there is my paint, I do have a couple bottles of the pricier stuff but honestly most of my paint is FolkArt or Americana brand, the cheap stuff.  I always feel rather embarrassed that I don't use more Golden or Liquitex paint since it seems like everyone else that paints in acrylics uses it but seriously, how do people afford that stuff?  No wonder there are SO many starving artists out there! Now you know my dirty little secret! I know I should just face my fears, and I probably will because if I don't I will regret it for, well, forever! But GEEZE! I'm starting to understand why so many people take up drinking :).  Wish me luck! I sooooo need all the luck I can get, to just get out the front door, LOL! I think I can, I think I can...

Above image : 8" x 8" Sea Shell acrylic painting just finished this week

Self Improvement

 
I feel such guilt when I leave my posting duties un-attended to for so long! Not so much because I think that it will make a difference in anyone's life if I am nowhere to be found for a while but more because I feel very 'off' when I don't stick to my routine and blogging is part of that routine. I love my little traditions, and I'll admit that often times it's very easy, for myself at least, to get stuck in a rut so to speak and fail to try new things.  Thats why lately, I'm trying to change that part of myself. It's the little things. Like for instance trying new foods, even if they seem a bit strange to me. Except frogs legs! I purchased frogs legs a while ago, determined to try cooking frogs legs. I feel like such a wretched soul! Frogs are SO cute! And ew! They just don't look appetizing AT ALL! I failed miserably at this test, and I felt badly for that poor little frog! I buried the frog in my back yard. And so now you're probably wondering if I eat meat at all. Yes, occasionally I do. I will admit, I am flawed and as much as I love animals, I also love to eat some of them. Lord does that sound messed up when I read that line back to myself!  I don't eat alot of meat, I eat beef maybe three times a year, chicken more often but not so much at home. Salmon is my meat of choice which I eat at least once a week although more often isn't unheard of.  I get a lot of protein from nuts and things. I figure if I'm going to be a meat eater I'm going to at least keep the body count low. Like I said, I am flawed but I am trying :)